Today, you would have turned 74.  Though, I doubt very much you would have acted like you were turning 74.  On August 1st this year you will have been gone from this place for 21 years.  It's hard to believe it has been that long, though many days it feels like it's been an eternity.

As I sit here and write this post, I am in tears.  You see, I turned 37 this year.  The age you were when I was born and the day you chose to be my dad.  I have a son now, and he's 3.  I think about how much love I have for Maxton, and I now understand the love that you had for me. 

I didn't know when I was a child what it meant for you and what it meant for me that we were brought together to spend 16 years together.  I think often that if I did I would have hugged you tighter, and said I love you more often.  I would have thanked you for always making sure I had what I needed and pretty much all of the time what I wanted. You spoiled me.  Not just with material things, but with your love and your time.  I know that you gave me all you had and I never you thanked you enough. 

I remember the days of playing softball and you being out on the field with no shoes on.  No one batted an eye at that.  It was just you, and you didn't care what others thought of you. You loved the game and you loved watching me play.  I learned from you not to care what others think and to just be me.  To jump in and enjoy the fun no matter what I'm wearing or not wearing.  I never thanked you for coming to all my sporting events and activities. You were at every one, unless you had to work. Lucky for me, you worked in the evenings so you never missed much of mine. I didn't know how special that was.  I didn't realize how lucky I was to have someone there to support me and cheer me on when I needed it. I didn't realize that wasn't what every kid had.  I never thanked you for putting me first.

You taught me unconditional love and that no matter what someone does to me, if they need help, I should do it. You helped my family out so many times and never asked for anything in return.  Well, maybe some laundry to be done. Boy you did not like to do laundry!  I never thanked you enough for making sure everyone I cared about was taken care of.  That you gave and gave, even when you probably shouldn't have.  But, I learned that from you.

The day that we sat in the car at the ball field and you told me you had cancer, my world stopped.  I stopped caring, stopped living and became a selfish child.  I didn't want to believe it could be true.  That you could be sick enough that you may leave me. 

In the months that followed I became mad and angry at everyone and everything.  I was mad at you, and disgusted with God.  Mad at all the healthy dad's walking around.  I was mad at my friends who parents were healthy.  Jealous that they weren't watching the health of the man who was "invincible" deteriorate.  These people taking life and their health for granted.  It just ate away at me. 

I stopped coming to see you for a while, I couldn't watch you become something that I didn't know.  Someone who would forget I came to see you, or forget I was sitting right beside you.  It hurt me too much to see it.  I didn't want you to be sick I didn't want you to leave me.  I shoved all the sadness down in and pretended my world was okay.  As long as I didn't have to see you and see the truth I could pretend nothing was happening.  I could pretend that you were just working over time and that you weren't home.  I'd lie to myself and pretend you were healthy. I just lived a lie in my own head. I didn't know what I was doing to you or to myself. 

I remember our last conversation like it was yesterday. I remember you making me make promises about my future, my life and what you wanted for me and expected of me. I hated having that conversation with you.  But, I am so very thankful I was able to have it and that I made all those promises. They are what have pushed me all my life and held me to keep to your wishes.

The day you left, I can't explain it, but I felt it. I knew before I got the phone call from the hospital. I didn't have to get on the phone.  I knew it before my sister Crissy even told me.  It was like I left with you. I became a pretty terrible person in the years that followed.  I did things to people I loved and the people that loved me. I felt if I kept them just a little out of reach that they couldn't hurt me.  They couldn't make me love them enough to care if they left me.  

I became bitter and blocked God from my life. Pretending I didn't need Him or His words. I was going to do what I wanted, how I wanted and just live.  I didn't need anyone. 

That was until I met Jeremy and his family.  He's so much like you.  And he loves me and spoils me and I couldn't have asked for a better dad for Maxton. You would love him, I have no doubt.  He and his family brought faith and God back into my life and it wasn't until I went back to church that I truly started to heal from your loss. I never talked about it I never wanted to.  But, Jeremy made me. He made me talk about you and all the things we did together.

So much in my life happens daily that reminds me of you.  That takes me back to being a child and allows happiness to fill me up when I think of you.

Popcorn reminds me of you and I watching Punky Brewster and having a bowl of popcorn. You loved popcorn so much. 

The sounds of a baseball game remind me of you watching the Reds and yelling at the tv like the players could hear you.

Every time I see a baseball card I am reminded of you and Uncle Jack sitting around comparing cards.

A Cheeseburger and fries takes me back to the small restaurant in Bradford sitting in "our booth' and you talking with Clarky and the guys about the Reds and baseball. 

Ice Cream takes me back to the Dairy Queen and getting an ice cream cone after every softball game with you.  Win or lose

My bare feet in the grass reminds me of you and your love of not wearing shoes

McDonalds reminds me of school shopping and stopping there to get a "treat"  You loved a big mac

Dishes remind me of you and you hate of doing them. I loved to do them because you always gave me a few bucks to go get a slushie

I see you in Maxton sometimes and I wonder how that is possible. But, then I am reminded, I am your daughter and you helped to raise me. I have you in me, your heart, your voice and your love.  It's poured into my son as if you were still here with me. 

So many things daily bring you up in my mind and heart. And I am thankful for it.  I am thankful I can talk about you to my son and he knows who you are. He knows your picture and when we play baseball he says to me "papaw Don liked baseball".  That melts my heart everytime he says it.

I no longer hurt that you are gone. I know it was necessary and that God has his reasons.  I smile because I know that I had a better childhood then most kids ever get to have. I received a dad who chose to love me. Who chose to pour his all into my life and gave me the very best of himself. Not a lot of people I think get to say that about their dad.

I miss you in the daily things of life and I miss you on the big occasions. I wish for a hug or the sound of your voice often.  But, in those moments, I feel your arms around me anyway. I hear your voice telling me things often and I know you are always with me.  God doesn't take the ones we love away from us. He just brings them home. He gave me you for 16 years. He gave me your love for a lifetime.   Your love is enough, it's always been enough. It just took me a long time to know that. 

I did a shoot that I know you would have loved of Maxton. It's one that is personal and intentional. He loves baseball. He loves every part of it and I share that with him and you.  He bats left handed and throws with both hands. Crazy isn't it?  That he would be like you in that way?  My son will always know your love and hear your voice. Because it fills me up and pours out into him. Thank you dad. Thank you for choose to be more then you ever had to be.  I hope that you have the happiest of birthdays in Heaven today. That you have your bare feet on a ball field and popcorn in your hands!  I love you.